daily prompt / rambling

Wanderin’ aimlessly

Snoopy!

Snoopy was my childhood inspiration.

So the daily prompt asks us If we had our “day to day responsibilities taken care of” and we could throw ourselves “completely behind a cause”, what would that cause be? Which is kind of a bummer question for me because I really have no “cause” that I’m interested in “throwing” myself at.  A long time ago, in a land far far away, I thought that if I had all the time in the world (as I do now) I would spend the majority of it writing. I was a writer, dammit! I wrote all of the time then, and I had no time to write back in the day. I wrote poetry and short stories. They flowed from my fingertips and I edited and re-edited them to my heart’s content, staying up into the wee hours of the morning to do so, with little to no sleep sometimes. I read about writing and learned how to hone my craft. I wrote because that’s what I did. I couldn’t not write. Writing was what I was all about… I longed for a time I would have nothing to do but write.

...

Something changed after my car accident in 2007, which is what the doctors figure triggered my fibromyalgia. The words that came to me so easily before were suddenly locked behind an impenetrable door. Even in conversation, I have difficulty finding the words I need to convey the simplest idea.

“Can you hand me that thing off the table. You know, that round, skinny thing. The one with the ink, that you hold in your handThe thing you use to write with. Grah!”  Imagine this being said with frustrated hand gestures…

“The pen?”

“Yes, the pen. Thank you.”

It’s very frustrating and time consuming. It was extremely frustrating and especially time consuming when I was in college and had to write essays, research papers, and yes, short stories and poems for my classes. Thank goodness for dictionaries and thesauruses.

I really am

I really am

So anyway, I now have all the time in the world, because I’m disabled, and I don’t write, because of what makes me disabled. Ha! How ironic is that?  I read an article the other day about how bipolar disorder can make a person scatterbrained to begin with, and that’s true, I’ve always been a bit scatterbrained. It got worse for a bit after I started taking medication for the bipolar (they don’t call it Dopamax for nuthin’), but it was still manageable. I could hold down a job (kind of) and everything. Two even. Then the car accident in 2007 (could have been 2006… I suck at numbers) happened and everything changed. Top the bipolar and subsequent meds off with fibromyalgia and all of the other shit that’s happened to my body since then… thyroid, breathing problems, chest BS, now the shoulder… and it’s a wonder I get anything done at all. Needless to say, I haven’t held down a job since – let alone two. I am surprised I made it through grad school, though to me it was kind of a cake walk. But that’s just me. Anyway, that was eight years ago. Damn.

Same could be said for most of my "hobbies" ^_^

Same could be said for most of my “hobbies” ^_^

But lets get to the question at hand, which asks what cause I’d throw myself behind, and really, I don’t actually have the kind of passion needed to throw myself at any one cause. I am, as always a dabbler in almost everything I do – and extensive dabbler to be sure — but a dabbler nonetheless. And I’m not ashamed of that. I learn enough to satiate my interest, and that’s enough for me. For example, knitting and crocheting. I’ve done both from a very young age, but I’ve not mastered either craft. Meaning I’ve not learned enough to “create” my own patterns (write them down for others to learn) nor have I learned enough to follow the intricate patterns that others have created.  I’ll knit/crochet the hell out of some afghans, scarves, hats, and blankets (yes, there’s a difference), but I don’t feel the need to learn beyond what I already know. I don’t feel the burning desire to create more than I’ve already created. I’m happy with my level of yarn crafts and that’s okay by me. I know and love people who do love their yarn crafting and who can and will always take it to the next level. That’s fine too. I just don’t have that passion. It’s not in me. And again, I’m not ashamed of that.

random-acts-of-kindness-wallpaperI have a couple of friends who are filled with the fire to change the world, and I’m awed by that. Honestly, I am. It amazes me that they’re not consumed by it. Many times in my life I’ve tried and failed to find that fire inside of me, but it’s not there. It’s kinda like faith… either you have it or you don’t. I can’t manufacture it, and I can’t buy it at the store. If I try fake it, then I’d be a hypocrite, and I despise hypocrites. I love people (even misguided people) who feel the need to change the world around them, because without them we would all stand still. And while I don’t feel the burning need to change one thing about the world — there’s not one cause I would throw all of my energy behind. I do have a drive to make my corner of the world (wherever that corner might be at the moment) a better place, even it it’s in small ways. Not all change has to be drastic or magnificent. Sometimes it’s the little changes that help in big ways. If I plant a fruit tree today, it may not bear fruit for many years, but eventually it will, and even if I never taste the fruit from that tree, it’s a small thing that may bring big changes.

What?

What?

And I’ll get to all of that planting soon. Once my stupid shoulder starts cooperating. >_<  My previous post talks about some of my plans. Right now, I’m killing dragons and trolls on Skyrim. Yep, after I take care of the few daily responsibilities I have. If I don’t have a doctor’s appointment or a physical therapist appointment, I’m playing video games… well, just the one. But one is enough. Ha! I don’t really know anyone here in this new town of mine, and I don’t really feel inclined to go out into the really real world at the moment. Yep, the recluse in me is at the fore. It happens. It’ll wear off, then I’ll be out and about and getting to know people. And they will get to know me. Ha! Until then, I’ll stick to slaying imaginary dragons. It’s kinda fun.  My nieces are poking fun at me… they posted the picture to the right and tagged me in it. ^_^ Of course, my husband doesn’t care. He went out and bought a new gaming console so he could play his own game, now we’re both on our own quests and it’s interesting to see how different our Skyrim worlds are and discuss the different choices we made. He’s a werewolf, for example. I dunno if I’da made that choice, but… to each their own. Ha!

The broom dungeon. hahahahaha!

The broom dungeon. hahahahaha!

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4 thoughts on “Wanderin’ aimlessly

  1. Life is strange. This blog post could have been written by me. I used to feel guilty because I was no longer able to “march” like a good little lemming and feeling about as fake as the story about them was. I thought I was going to save the world one day, lol. Hopefully you kept a lot of your previous writing like I did and I plan on actually disciplining myself enough to sit so many hours a day to get my notes in some kind of order and saved to zip drive. Don’t give up, things will get better and there’s always ice cream! Good post!

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