daily prompt / daily stuffs

I’m gonna tell y’all a little secret

Prompted by the daily prompt, which asks us to:  Share the story of a time you felt unsafe.  Don’t worry, it’s not a deep dark secret that no one should know about me.  I keep those to myself, thanks. And it’s not really “Too Much Information” or TMI (I hope).  Most of my friends and family kinda sorta know this about me anyway because of who I am and how I act. I mentioned in a post a while back that like Bruce Banner in this little clip:

I’m always angry.

Not ragey against the world like I am when I’m manic, but in the back of my mind I’m really just kinda of mad that life sorta sucks and there’s nothing I can do about it. Believe it or not, there’s a Zen-ness in that feeling. It brings peace because I’ve accepted that life kinda sucks and there’s nothing I can do about it. So, because I’m always angry, I’m also always at peace.  If that makes any kinda of sense at all.

ranier2

Mount Rainier – pretty and deadly

So, my secret, as it pertains to the prompt is that I never feel safe. Like, ever.  I’m always expecting something awful to happen at any minute of any day. Deep in the back of my mind, I’m seriously thinking that the worst of the worst is going to happen and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. For example, the supervolcano under Yellowstone park isn’t too far from here and when it goes, what am I gonna do about it? Not a damn thing, that’s what. Watch in awe and dismay as my death comes barreling towards me, that’s about it.  Even barring the supervolcano blowing, there are nearly a dozen volcanoes in and around this area alone… Including Mt. Rainier which I used to be able to see outside of my window in Seattle.  And if the volcanoes don’t get us, well there’s always earthquakes.  We had a small one not too long ago.  Oh sure, y’all don’t think of Washington when you think of earthquakes, but we’re sitting on the Ring of Fire just as much as California is.  We’re in just as much of the danger zone for earthquakes as they are.

webmddying

clearly, it does

Then, of course, there are the more mundane “dangers” of being hit by a bus (which nearly happened to me once… missed me by an inch, I swear to god). Or one of my many ailments could decide to get worse and take me out. Thyroid disease is nothing to sneeze at, you know. My lungs just might decide they’ve had enough of this breathing business and just quit. They’re thinking about it… I know they are. You should hear the whistles and wheezes when I breathe sometimes. It’s like some kid trying to play the recorder over here. ^_^  And all I’m doing is sitting!  It’s funny, I’ll be all, “Where’s that noise coming from?” Breathe… “Oh, it’s me.” hahaha. I didn’t know the human body could make that kind of noise. Maybe I should record it, I might be able to make some money.

Then there’s the possibility of outside forces coming into play. You know, some psycho might get it in their head that I’ve done them wrong, or doesn’t like the color of the hubby’s car, or just thinks we have something worth taking.  That kind of thing. We live in a relatively safe community as far as crime statistics go… Hell the police log gets published in the newspaper that’s how short it is, but even in small towns, there is the occasional “horrific” and “senseless” crime.  I don’t want that to happen, and I hope that it never does, but there’s a small part of me, a tiny flicker in the back of my brain that expects it to happen every moment of every day. It’s always been there and I cannot snuff it out.

Ying_yang_sign

In order to have light, one must also have darkness.

But worry not, dear reader.  I don’t lie awake at night and fret over these things. I’m not peering out my window looking for the boogieman lurking in the shadows… though I used to (believe me, I used to). No, because, as with my anger, I’ve accepted that these things can happen at any moment and there’s not much I can do about them. And, as with my anger, because I’ve accepted this, I’m at peace with the fact that there’s not much I can do about any of them. Oh sure, we have an alarm system, and I have my emergency information in my phone should I suddenly fall down breathless in a public place.  I also have at least a week’s worth of food and water stashed away should we have an earthquake and it doesn’t demolish the house (in case the power goes out)… but I’m also at peace with the fact that should the the worst of the worst happen, there isn’t anything I can do about it but accept it and move on… if moving on is a possibility. If it’s not then, as I said, I’m at peace with that too.

 

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4 thoughts on “I’m gonna tell y’all a little secret

  1. I’m always angry too, but I’m not very good at this zen business. I do find that blogging helps though. When I get really angry about something I can blog about it and let off steam.

    As for being afraid, I always used to wake up in the middle of the night and be too scared to open my eyes in case there was a hideous creature there. After about 40 years of there never being a hideous creature, I figured that they just don’t exist. It took me that long though. I’m a slow learner.

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    • My “hideous creature[s]” were always in human form and most of the time they weren’t there either, but yeah… I learned that they did exist. What took me forever to learn was that staying awake all night wasn’t going to keep them away. ^_^

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  2. To feel truly safe? I’d have to have a lot more money and a house without stairs. And someone to plow the snow and carry heavy packages. I think at my age, anyway, no one really feels safe. Too many physical issues, too little money. Being poor, kind of old, and unwell doesn’t make anyone feel safe.

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    • The thing is, I’ve always felt this way, for as long as I can remember. I think it comes from the knowledge that everything is temporary. It’s just the degree of permanence that changes. Even the sun and all of the stars are going to blow up and be gone eventually, but for many people, those are a constant that they count on to get them through the day.

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