I suppose this could be considered a crossroads — a la the daily prompt. I totally need to get out of the house more, and stop standing here like a ninny in the middle of the road. Not like go party on Friday night or anything like that. But it just occurred to me that I’ve lived in this house for nearly a year and the only people I really know in this town are my wacky neighbors. I really wouldn’t call them friends. Friends, by my definition are people who I’d call any time, anywhere, for whatever reason, and they would be available for me — and visa versa. I don’t really know anyone here in this town, and most of my friends and acquaintances are online.
I blame my health issues for my recent case of agoraphobia. I’m so terrified of going out in public and having some kind of health break-down where I won’t be able to make it home, that I just don’t go out. How ridiculous is that? But even though I know it’s ridiculous, that doesn’t stop me from staying in my home — which doesn’t prevent any kind of vaguely defined “health breakdown” my brain thinks I might have by going out in public — but at least I’ll have it in the safety of my home, right?
This all started when I tried to take a walk back in New Mexico and ended up having a breathing attack. I literally could not breath and had to sit down on a retaining wall for, who knows how long? It seemed like forever… before I could go anywhere. I was halfway home and didn’t have my phone (because I’m always misplacing my phone). I had my inhaler, but it doesn’t really work on these things — it’s not asthma. So I had to wait it out. Then my progress was incredibly slow… what should have taken 10 minutes took over half an hour. After that, I spent more and more time inside and it’s gotten to the point where I just don’t want to go out because I’m afraid it’ll happen again. Nothing says it will. It never happened before that time… well, not to that extent. So why should it happen again?
Logic, however does not play well with these things. I can reason with myself until I’m blue in the face but that won’t change the fear. The fear of it happening will always be there.
Still, I need to get out more. Not having anyone to talk to other than the hubster and the voices in my head is kinda getting to me. I mean, yeah, having a blog and online friends is well and good, but it’s nice to have other people I can turn to whenever I need to talk. I don’t need to be a social butterfly… I’m totally not into the social scene of any genre, and petty group politics make me twitchy. I just need something else other than these four walls as they say. Because honestly, I’m getting a little stir crazy up in here. And yeah, volunteering and a job isn’t gonna cut it. They expect structure and commitment. I’m totally not ready for that kind of getting out of the house just yet. ^_^